As I get older, my appreciation deepens
For all that you have brought to my life You have shaped the woman I am today Probably more than you'll ever know Yours were the soft words as I flailed The warm bed I crawled into when I couldn't bear my own The kind eyes wishing wisdom upon me, While knowing I must learn for myself We've shared food and clothes and tents Organised parties and protests and hikes Our pontifications on life and love Have guided me, and reduced me to giggles Across oceans we find each other Whenever it's needed Long may this continue Dear friend
0 Comments
To the women I love
Scattered beneath this starry sky I long to be around you To laugh with you, to dance with you To delight in the sunshine And see my joy reflected in your bright eyes To truly love a friend is a gift like none other You reaffirm my place in this world And challenge me to give more of myself. I see in you a kindred soul, some common thread Our fires lit by the same spark At my loneliest moments I am assured by your very existence Those souls with whom my own has synced Sharing a moment, or months, or years Irrelevant. Something within us connected and a friendship was born Each of you has inspired me In your own way Be it your zest for life, Your courage, your patience, ambition, The love you spread So thank you, soul sisters Shine on, light up your world Until our journeys next align A small girl sits beneath a tree, perched on scarred knees, looking upon her treasures. In her hands, a handful of shiny chestnuts, meticulously scavenged from the debris around her. She inspects each, one by one, in awe of their perfect beauty. She admires the mahogany hue, and the way it gleams in the sunshine. The girl thinks that nothing on earth could be more beautiful than that chestnut, that she will treasure it forever.
Then there is another, and another. The girl tries not to collect too many, aware that she cannot possibly love them all, and yet there is always another that catches her eye. She chooses a small number and carries them with her, determined that she will never lose that feeling of awe and gratefulness when looking upon them. Over time her pile grows smaller. She does not mind; she appreciated them in that moment, and all things come and go. Only, there is one chestnut that glowed especially bright. She could not tell what was different from the others, but the girl found herself loving that chestnut deeply. Then came the day that she could not find her special chestnut. She felt a profound sense of loss, a hollowness and despair. Would she ever again feel that great joy, captivated by such beauty? The girl grew, and learned, and many more things filled her with such joy. The setting sun, the cool caress of the ocean, the wind in her hair. Her chestnut was long forgotten. She unfurled into the world, radiating that joy. She met certain boys who could ignite in her a similar joy. She delighted in this, and reacted as she would to the pleasure of discovering a waterfall on a summers day: she plunged in without hesitation, revelled in how delicious it felt. She saw no reason to hold back, indulging in those special ones and showing them all the love in her heart. These boys did not understand, they could not appreciate this magic. The depth of feeling she showed made them nervous, they pulled back, played games, put up walls. Each time she lost that special connection, the girl was transported back to that tree, back to that empty feeling of loss. The girl was now a woman, and she reflected upon these thoughts. The years gave her the gift of experience, and she understood that deep grief was the price to pay for deep joy. She had learned that not everyone could feel as she did, but also that this feeling would pass. For while the loss of that special chestnut had hurt in the moment, she had forever treasured the memory of it's beauty and the joy that it had given her. And the girl understood the value of this gift. It is something wondrous and sublime
The intertwining of two souls Yours and mine A syncing, gravitational magnetism Settling into Our own microcosm As the universe distills right down To what lies before me As I look around Feel worries easing, priorities shift Caught in the moment We quietly sit I bask in your gaze, enraptured, enthralled Right now I'm queen of the world Cos I have it all I remember the moment I fell in love with you. Endless rationalising has been unable to convince me otherwise. We stood by the river under a radiant moon, and I was thinking how lovely it had been to have shared the evening with such a captivating young man. I was enchanted by the silhouettes of trees along the water's edge, and wondering when you were going to disappear back to your friends. But you spoke those perfect words, those words that sounded almost childlike in the daylight, but at the time sent my soul to the moon and back. In this moment, without knowing it, you slipped a tiny hook into a quiet corner of my heart, a hook that would allow you to draw me to you without doing so much as breathing near me.
Time passes and I travel this broad earth. I shrug aside my yearning and my spirit flourishes; I am gloriously complete. Blissfully free from the burden of misplaced hopes. One afternoon I return from a journey. One of those journeys that feels like a lifetime – eyes bright from absorbing so much beauty, head full of new ideas, new connections fresh in my heart, new love warming my soul. On my bed lies a letter. The softest paper, the most delicate handwriting. It says nothing much, yet to me it drowns out all else. It picks up a conversation left mid sentence, and in a handful of words clears the table of my emotions, making way for a new flux of feelings. Yet it is only a letter. A letter that says not much. Time sweeps by, and my love for you feels like a single fern on the forest floor: when viewed independently it is a miracle of such astonishing beauty, yet in it's context it seems insignificant. Yet even after so long, your presence renders the passing of time meaningless. I did not plan this. How was I to know that your presence would again envelope me in this spell. I find your gaze addictive, I labour to tear myself away from that tiny hook. While my conscious self makes a concerted effort to maintain a safe distance, I feel our souls syncing to one another. I have a heightened awareness of your presence at every moment, and when we talk I am taking more from you than the words you speak. I experience one of the happiest nights of my life, and then suddenly it is over. The following day we linger, both of us sensing that we will never have another such night. As I lounge in the grass and you play my favourite song (you bastard), I truly understand for the first time the meaning of bittersweet. What a mystery of human existence that something can feel so magical and blissful and yet so agonisingly painful. The sense of injustice fades with time, and I remember how little I know of you. How little you know of me, although it feels like you see so much more in me than most. I wonder if that is part of the beauty of this connection. We have alighted to one another's magic, without having the time to glimpse one another's flaws. Whatever this is, I am grateful for it. I have tucked your delicate hook into the deepest folds of my heart, and there it shall rest. I walk this earth with my head held just a little higher, knowing that there is another out there who sees my magic and is entranced by it. If such a connection can be borne from such unlikely circumstances, I feel certain another must await me somewhere. So thank you, my beautiful stranger. My voice is husky, low
So many thoughts have poured from these lips of mine tonight Eyes red and gritty Legs heavy and slow As I navigate the cool morning streets Stomach grumbling Lips dry Spirit raw Conversation defeats me Perhaps my words are all used up Under the cloak of darkness We bared that most intimate Thoughts, feelings, dreams No longer strangers A connection made Cemented in mutual exhaustion We talked all night I walk away As in a dream Disoriented Grateful |
I am a conservation field worker in New Zealand. I love mountains, sunrises, river swims, barefeet, cold beer, campfires, live music and whiskey. Archives
September 2018
Categories |